I lay alone in my bed with the sheets covering my eyes. The bedroom door is locked; I am not wanting to open the door into the chaotic life that awaits me.
I hear sounds: children playing, laughter, and chatter. But there is no strength arising in me.
All I want is to escape this place. I hate my life right now.
The battle of my mind begins:
“Why are you so depressed? You should be happy!!”
“Take hold of today; don’t let it go to waste. There are good things in store.”
“Stop fooling yourself!! Pain. Grief. Sadness. That’s what you feel. THOSE feelings are as real as the skin on your body.”
I get tired of fighting the thoughts and I decide I NEED coffee.
Time to put on my survival gear and face the day.
I open my door.
3 energetic children greet me. They are ready to entertain me with their imaginary play. Their faces are filled with joy and excitement. MINE is the exact opposite.
I just need coffee.
This is my life.
That day marked a week since Joshua entered our lives.
One of the most heroic Dads came to Caleb and I, humbly asked us to receive Joshua into our family. We were shaken to the core with broken hearts as this Dad explained the situation. Joshua’s dad was unable to complete his adoption and had to make a hasty return to his home country. His wife was dying and he needed to be with her and care for their family. Joshua couldn’t go with.
Joshua was 6 years old, slightly older than my son.
His smile never turned into a frown. His energy abounded…so much so, it drove me crazy.
“Doesn’t he feel sadness? Pain or loneliness? His whole world changed in a day!”
This was my mental struggle.
“Who could not love Joshua!?!? He is so happy and peppy! What’s wrong with you?!?”
But I didn’t feel like I loved Joshua.
So I drank more coffee as I tried to drown out the cheerful noises of the children playing around me.
Then the pep talk started….
“I can be his mother. I can do this.”
“His mother would want me to love him like she did.” The thought of her hits a painful nerve so deep inside of me. “She is dying without her son!!!!”
My heart’s desire was for Joshua to be reunited with his Father and Mother. Only a miracle could make this happen. We needed a miracle.
So I prayed. I hoped. I believed.
One day we got a call from a friend stating he solved Joshua’s visa problems and that he had a plane ticket to America for Joshua leaving that night. We gathered his personal belongings and packed them into two suitcases. We had a tearful goodbye with Joshua but, knew this was the day we had believed for.
Our prayers were answered.
When Joshua arrived home with his family, his mother only lived a short 12 hours afterwards. She must have been waiting for her son to come to her side.
We haven’t seen Joshua since our goodbye that day. But his life impacted us. Forever.
Receiving Joshua into our family came like a whirlwind. I was unable to mentally and emotionally prepare for this.
It revealed things in my heart that I didn’t know were there.
We can love even when we don’t feel like it.
Even when we hate it.
Love still brings us through.
I’m Tracy. A dream of mine is to have my own trendy, vintage thrift shop. I love fresh flowers. I have a collection of scrap papers, ribbons, wrapping paper, and random things for whenever the occasion calls. Click here to read the rest of my bio…